My posts are never going to get any shorter

I had my weekly appointment today. It didn't go the way I expected, which is probably something I should expect at this point. I am kind of ambivalent about what to write. I am almost reluctant to share how it did go, because I feel like I've been on a roller coaster over the past few weeks and I am a little bit numb. But since I've already started keeping you all informed, I will go ahead and share what I learned today so you can be confused and ambivalent and hopeful along with me.

I had an ultrasound. The baby looks very healthy. She's growing and moving and has enormously fat cheeks. Every time I have an ultrasound I think to myself that maybe this time her cheeks won't look as large. But they look bigger every week. For those of you who keep asking what we plan to name the baby, we are strongly considering Fatty McFatCheeks Gomes.

I had seen a substitute perinatologist for my ultrasound each of the last two weeks - you might remember that I wasn't thrilled with that doc. I was happy to see my regular doctor this time, the one I've been seeing since my issues first began. He looked through the pictures that the ultrasound tech had recorded, and immediately said that my placenta was positioned differently than it had been the last time he'd seen me. He had me get back on the ultrasound table so that he could look for himself. He said that the edge of the placenta is still covering the internal opening of the cervix, but only barely. There is definitely less of the placenta over the cervix than there was the last time he evaluated me, and the umbilical cord insertion point, the other cause for concern, is still low (it doesn't pick up and move, after all), but it seems to be angled differently and doesn't appear to be directly over the cervix now.

I went in to this appointment expecting to have my ultrasound and then meet with my OB to schedule a day for the c-section, probably around the 18th. But the perinatologist's recommendation after the ultrasound today was not to schedule the c-section. He said that given the placenta's current location and the fact that I have been completely stable with no bleeding or spotting, he is comfortable right now waiting the remaining weeks of my pregnancy and seeing whether there might be enough movement to uncover the cervix and allow for the possibility of a vaginal delivery. He was careful to say that he doesn't actually EXPECT that to happen, just that it is not outside the realm of possibility, and he doesn't think it will be dangerous to wait and see. Just in case. He also told me that of course if I have any bleeding or other warning signs (his actual words were "if you even fart sideways" - I kid you not) I need to call my OB and come in immediately.

Well.

So I went over to see my OB and go over the results of my perinatology appointment. I had a list of questions to ask her about the upcoming c-section that we are now not scheduling, and she was happy to answer them all. But she was also happy to hear the results of my ultrasound, and agreed that if the very conservative perinatology doc says we can wait and see, that we don't even need to think about scheduling a delivery at this point. She even asked me whether I'm interested in resuming my plan to deliver at the birthing center if I'm cleared for a vaginal delivery. I had assumed that would be completely out of the question, but she said she thinks it would be okay (the birthing center is in a medical office building next door to the hospital, and she said that if complications arise during a birthing center birth, they have operating room privileges and can have a patient in the OR virtually as quickly as if they were coming from labor & delivery in the hospital).

I told the doc that of course a vaginal delivery at the birthing center is my absolute first choice for the baby's birth, and that if it's at all possible, I'm all for it. It's my please-please-please-let-it-happen dream.

But I think that even taking the possibility (the SLIM possibility, my perinatologist would like me to remind you) of a vaginal delivery out of the equation, today's appointment was kind of huge. Because I don't think I'm limited to the 38 week delivery deadline now. We're waiting and seeing week to week. If I don't bleed again and the baby continues to be healthy, then I can likely go all the way to full term. Even if there is still a c-section at the end of the pregnancy, it's a really big deal for me not to have to schedule it early.

At the same time, thrilled as I am, I've been planning to have a baby by mid-January since Thanksgiving. The thought now of continuing this pregnancy until my initial due date or beyond is an adjustment. I am large and in charge and closing in on 200 pounds. That's right, I said it publicly. Bed rest isn't exactly conducive to keeping off the pounds. This baby is also measuring pretty big (I know, ultrasound weight estimates in late pregnancy are notoriously inaccurate, but her cheeks alone have got to weigh a pound apiece). The thought of another four weeks of pregnancy is making me feel a little panicky. The continued uncertainty is making me feel anxious. The fervent hoping yet trying to stay realistic and the emotional turmoil of dealing with predictions that change every week is kind of draining. And I almost feel like I should apologize to the people following the story here for the way things keep jumping around. I know that would be silly - but still. Sorry.

So I guess I just continue to pray. And continue to wait. And continue to lie around. (Although if things shift enough for the doc to clear me for a vaginal delivery, at that point I won't be restricted to bed rest anymore. It would be nice to be able to be up and about for the end of my pregnancy.) My next appointment is in one week. Maybe there won't be any change. But maybe there will be. Pray, okay?